At some point late Spring, early Summer, I still had no job, my unemployment had run out… I was really feeling like something had to change soon. I knew what some of the grim realities were if things didn’t change, but I refused to focus on them. I had faith that things would work out if I didn’t panic. I knew I had to find MY OWN way this time. I was finally beginning to realize why I was where I was, and I why I had been so unhappy for so long. I had spent years trying to conform. To fit me, a body and soul with wild, misshapen, messy, uncharted, unbound edges into the well delineated bounds of society. It was never a comfortable fit, but I didn’t know there was any other way. I did what I thought I was supposed to, like so many others do, but somehow it never quite worked out for me. Trying to be like everyone else, doing what I thought was expected, following rules that I placed on myself because I thought that’s the way it was supposed to be had crippled me in many ways.
One day in early Summer, I had an epiphany of sorts. I stopped ignoring the gnawing feeling in my gut, and the clawing at my heart that told me that life was, and should be, more than what I had and the way I had been living it. Why did I have to go back to that life? The thought instantly made me feel lighter, happier. Why hadn’t I thought of that sooner? Whose life was it anyway? Those questions opened the door to so many more, and started me on my next adventure. I started to really think about the life I wanted.
The first thought was that the life I wanted, had nothing to do with the life I had at that moment. I was living in a town I had no connections to, in a house that had been part of another dream. I decided it was time to sell the house. I spent most of the summer working on house projects to get it ready for market, and continued trying to shape my new life. By this time I had started an episodic “Sci-Fi Lite” blog called The Adventures of Catriona Allorn. I also started to learn more about social media and how I could use it. I started Instagram and Twitter accounts.
Bit by bit, I’m putting the pieces in place and building the foundation for the life I want, for the “me” I want. As I mentioned in my first post, my best laid plans never go quite as expected. The house has not sold, and for the time being is off the market. Looking for a job has become a priority once again, These are not unscalable barriers, just stumbling blocks that I will move past. Right now, I’m a fluid spirit, not yet formed. I’m letting the universe chart my course. I’m an undiscovered species, soon to be found, a clean slate ready for a new story. My word for 2015, is EMERGENT.
2015 New Year, New Adventures!
Out with the old, in with the new…to continue reading, click HERE
Out with the old. I stalled and sputtered with this blog last year…I guess I just wasn’t ready. 2014 was a busy year. It was full of discovery, loss, heartache, joy, restoration, evolution and many creative adventures that have now begun to fill me up. I began pushing out all the negativity, stress, unhappiness, and soul sucking day to day living that had left me feeling like an empty shell. I struggled with finding a direction for this blog. I got too caught up in trying to structure and define it. The outcome of this blog last year is a good reflection of what my life has been like for a long time – trying to make my life fit into an acceptable format for public consumption, instead of focusing on creating a life I want. That’s all in the past.
|A bit battered, but still moving forward.
In with the new.
New adventures. 2015 will be about development. I’m not going to make hard and fast plans, or set a defined direction, because it seems that every time I do, I end up being redirected anyway. So one of my goals this year is to be more fluid. Accept what the universe has to offer. Flow like a river, adjusting my direction as obstacles arise; flowing over the ones I can, and around the ones I can’t. I’m not sure what my destination will be, and I’m okay with that. I’m learning to live and enjoy the present, taking each day as it comes. I’ve opened up my eyes, ears and heart to the universe, and set myself afloat. I’m looking forward to seeing how my river flows.